My friends a cock.

(or the trials and tribulations of the worlds most deadly firecrotch)

It all began on a warm evening in the Ukraine. Under French rule, subjects were permitted to have sex only in the missionary position, with no condom, for 45 minutes at a time. Unless it was the third sunday under the full moon. Interestingly enough, the fateful lunar cycle synced up perfectly. My father (the Turkish ambassador) found my mother pounding shots of Jager and Vladdy in a small corner bar in the red light district. Little did he know, my mother was a special agent from the distant planet RojoLoco. Her mission: Spread the seed of her people. As Jager and Vlad often do, the two adults engaged in the horizontal monster mash.

Flash forward 9 months…

It was a cold winter morning. A 14 oz, 7 lb baby came screaming into the world. Soon after, the doctor began screaming. Never in his 17 years as a OBGYN had he seen anything so red… and he had completed numerous transvaginal mesh surgeries. He didn’t know what to do. Seeing the mother was passed out and he was alone, he did what he felt was best… he tried to smother the ginger. However, he didn’t realize that gingers do not need air to live… they need souls. Their thirst for souls far surpasses the deepest thirst of the drunkest alcoholic. As the doctor came closer with the pillow, Sam the baby grabbed him by his Achilles heel. He was instantly sucked dry. We know now that the soul is located entirely in the Achilles heel. Why else would Brad Pitt play him in Troy? Brad Pitt is the soul of the world. Moving on. The doctor was dead. Whiter than the palest ginger. Sam the baby stood up and flew off. Off to find more victims.

To be continued… 

that is all.

#sausagefest2013